My oldest was only a few months old when I first saw a talk by Charles Fay (the son of a founder of Love and Logic). I sneaked out between nursings, because I’d recently read a Love and Logic book and thought they might be on to something.
Since I would eventually become a Love and Logic trainer, I'd end up seeing or hearing many of the phrases Charles Fay used that day countless times again in books, CDs, and videos. But there was one thing he said that day, which ironically I haven’t seen since, that I'd remember and say to myself more than any other:
"Doing what’s best for our kids doesn’t always feel good."
When our kids suffer a consequence because of a bad choice they made, it isn’t fun. We parents are programmed to want our kids to be happy. But true, long term happiness doesn’t result from immediate gratification. In order for our kids to learn to make good choices that will give them healthy, happy lives, they need to see that bad choices lead to bad consequences.
If we are constantly rescuing our kids from the results of their bad decisions or giving in and not giving them a consequence they deserve, they’ll think that they can make bad choices without consequence. And sadly, that’s not going to be the case for them when they’re out from under our wings.
When we first start out as parents, our job is to meet every one of our baby’s needs. But that job doesn't last for long. Soon our job becomes to teach our kids how to get along in the world. We need to help them learn to be responsible, and see how their good choices will lead to their own success and happiness, and how bad choices won't.
So, when Ally’s homework is sitting on the table after she's left for school, and my stomach drops thinking of her facing her teacher without her homework, it doesn’t feel good, even though it is what's best for her. It might feel good in the short term for me to run it over to her, but I won’t be able to do that in college, much less for her first job. So it’s best that she learns in second grade that if she wants to be able to turn in her work, she is responsible to do it and bring it.
When Luke chooses not to empty the dishwasher, and I tell him he can’t play outside with Dave, it doesn’t feel good. Of course I’d much prefer they have that father-son bonding time. But, people who will depend on Luke in the future, bosses, perhaps a wife, maybe kids, will be grateful he learns now that he has to follow through with his responsibilities. And, Luke will be happier for it, as well.
When Anna has to miss out on family game night because she talked back to me, it doesn’t feel good. It would feel so much better to take back the consequence and have her join us. But there's a good chance her future boss won’t be so forgiving of an angry outburst. So, it’s best for her to learn that now.
So, when your kid has a hard lesson to learn, and you let him learn it, and it feels kind of awful... chances are, you’re doing things right. When your kid is having a giant tantrum, it’s likely she’s learning that the world doesn't revolve around just her and/or that her bad choices lead to uncomfortable consequences. And, although none of us feel good when our kids are having tantrums, it has helped me get through them by reminding myself that "doing what’s best for our kids doesn’t always feel good.
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