The whole family was at BBC lighting, for what seemed like a million years, buying a dozen random things to upgrade our lighting fixtures and ceiling fans.
When we finally finished shopping at 2:45, having not yet had lunch, the lady who’d been helping us place our orders over the past few hours said goodbye to the kids and then took my arm and pulled me aside. Since I have a tendency to feel awkward in social situations, her intense expression made me a nervous.
When she’d pulled me far enough away, she spoke. “You should be really proud of your family,” she said. “We see kids in here every day. Your kids are just great, so polite.” My social awkwardness combined with my relief and an uncomfortable giggle escaped my mouth, until I pulled it together and thanked her like a somewhat normal person. Then Dave, the kids, and I headed out to get a very late lunch.
As I lay in bed that night, I allowed myself a moment to be proud of the compliment and others that my kids have gotten from servers and other customers in restaurants.
Thinking of manners reminded me of the funny little toddler I nannied for using his manners.
We were making Rice Krispie treats, and the older boy, asked for a mini marshmallow before we poured them in the pot, so I asked the 19-month-old, “Would you like a marshmallow, too?” He reached for it. I prompted, “Yes, please,” and handed it to him. Then we poured the rest in. As we stirred up the mix in the pot, the toddler started signing, More, More, More. I told him they were all gone, but we’d have a treat in a little while. He furrowed his brow, and tried another tactic, “Yef pweef! Yes pweef!” I praised his polite “Yes, please” but couldn’t materialize any more mini marshmallows.
As my memories shifted through my sleepy mind, I also remembered the ridiculous moment my insistence on using “Yes, please” caused last summer. For the past 12 years, when I’d offer my kids or the kids I work with something, if they just nodded or said, “Sure,” I’d prompt, “Yes, please,” before giving it to them. That summer, I’d spent the week working with a lot of kids and we were spending that Friday night hanging out with some friends. I offered to pour some more wine for a friend and she, a bit distracted, had nodded. As I reached for the wine, out of habit, I prompted, “Yes, please…” As it escaped my mouth, I realized what I’d just done. I was mortified. (Have I mentioned I can be socially awkward?) As my face reddened, I clumsily apologized, explaining that it popped out from habit. Luckily, she’s an elementary teacher, so she totally understood, and jokingly corrected herself with a “Yes, please, Mrs. Melbye,” and we both laughed.
Embarrassing moments aside, I believe manners are an important life skill we can give our children. We can’t solve every social situation they’ll encounter, but we can help smooth the way for them with good manners.
Now, I’m not talking about which fork to use for salad or other Emily Post style questions, because I honestly do some guessing on the rare occasion when I sit down to a meal with more than one fork. (You go from the outside, right?) I’m talking about being polite, using please and thank you, making eye contact, expressing sincere gratitude (even dreaded handwritten thank you notes), and offering assistance.
It helps our kids make a good impression. It helps them feel good about themselves. It helps them and other people feel comfortable. And, it’ll help them be successful in social situations throughout their life and eventually in business or work situations.
So what’s the best way to help teach our kids manners? You can google and find countless articles with suggestions about specific things to do at each age. I think many of these tips can be helpful, but like a lot of things with raising children, I believe it largely comes down to what we model and what we require.
Obviously if we want our kids to display good manners, we need to model this with them. We should use please and thank you when talking with our kids. We should speak to them in a respectful tone, even when we’re frustrated. We should put our phones down and make eye contact. And, when we make mistakes, we should apologize and promise to try to do better.
We should also expect our kids to use their manners with us. They should say, “Yes, please” and “Thank you.” If they forget, we can prompt them or ask them, “Did you remember your manners?”
We should require that our kids treat us with respect. I’ve worked with many parents who, for various reasons, have let their kids talk to them disrespectfully. Sometimes parents let their kids be outright rude, sometimes they let things like eye rolls and sighs slide. Some think it’s not a battle worth choosing. This seems completely backwards to me. Our homes are a microcosm of the way we’d like the world to be and the way we want our kids to be in the world. We can’t control the world our kids go out into, but we have some control over the climate of our homes. If we don’t expect our kids to treat us with respect, we certainly can’t expect them to go out and magically learn to be respectful to others.
Even more often, people excuse meanness between siblings, because “that’s just the way siblings are.” Of course siblings will have disagreements. I actually believe this is very healthy, because it’s the perfect opportunity for kids to practice how to manage conflicts in a healthy way. But, if kids are allowed to say mean things to each other or physically lash out at each other, what are we teaching them? That it’s okay to handle conflict by lashing out? That it’s okay for people to lash out at them? We need to use these opportunities to train them in healthy conflict resolution.
Putting these requirements into action isn’t always simple, especially if kids are older and have developed bad habits. It’ll take time and various strategies.
The first step is to decide what we are going to expect from our children. And when they don’t meet these expectations, we’ll calmly let them know that the kind of behavior they used isn’t acceptable. This may mean that they need to change their tone of voice or their words before they can get what they asked for. It may mean that they need a little time away from everyone until they’re ready to come back and be respectful. It may mean that they lose a privilege because you do things for kids when they treat you with respect.
It takes time. It often isn’t easy. And, sometimes it means we’ll need to learn more strategies, but requiring our kids to use manners is a great gift we can give them and it will also be a gift to ourselves.
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