My oldest comes into the kitchen and exclaims, “Anna is so messy! I’m so sick of having her stuff all over my side of the room! Her pajamas were on my bed!!”
”Oh, honey, you sound really frustrated,” I respond, “I bet you wish she would keep her things where they belong!”
“Yes!” she says, “Exactly.”
She picks up her book and water bottle and heads back out of the kitchen.
That was it. End of the story.
This doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but when I first learned the concept behind my response about six years ago, it was revolutionary to me.
Think of the other way this may have played out.
”Anna is so messy! I’m so sick of having her stuff all over my side of the room! Her pajamas were on my bed!!”
”Oh, honey, come on. It’s not that big of deal, just take her pajamas and put them on her bed.”
”But, Mom! She does stuff like this every day. Pajamas, jeans, sweatshirt. I am so sick of her mess. Her pajamas are so gross!”
”Well, they’re just pajamas. They’re not that gross...”
”I don’t want to share a room with her anymore.”
”Well, what do you expect us to do? We don’t have another bedroom!”
”I don’t know. But, I can’t do this anymore. She’s disgusting! And it’s not fair I have to live with her!”
”Oh, come on, now..."
And you can imagine the rest, since, at one time or another, we’ve all likely lived through something else, either when we were kids or with our own kids.
What I learned when I first found Siblings without Rivalry, is that the way we as parents often handle our children’s feelings of anger and frustration with their siblings can makes things worse. Our instincts as parents is to try to fix the situation or change our children’s feelings about the situation. But this can lead to our children feeling like we don’t understand them. It can make them want to push harder, to show us that their feelings of anger or frustration are valid. Our children become angry with us and/or more angry with their siblings.
The solution that I learned was to, instead, listen to what they’re saying, accept it, and respond with empathy and understanding. I thought the concept made sense, because I sure didn’t want to make things worse, but what was revolutionary was that the listening and empathy was often all kids needed.
In this situation, I did nothing to change the situation for my daughter. Her sister did nothing to change the situation. But, after she vented her frustration and I listened let her know I understood her feelings, she moved on.
This change isn’t the solution to everything, but it does make a big difference In calming some of the tension. And it helps us know how to respond when one sibling complains about another.
Whenever I teach this to a group of parents, many look at me skeptically or even tell me, “Okay... but you don’t know my kids...” But, without fail, when we come back together the next week, parents will share that it worked for them.
Give it a try.
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