I wanted start by addressing a question that came up a couple times this week:
What do we do about tantrums?!
It's really important for parents to understand that tantrums are okay. It doesn’t mean we’re doing anything wrong as parents. In fact, it often means we’re doing thing rights. With some kids, in some situations, tantrums are pretty much inevitable. It’s our kids’ way of processing that the world doesn’t always go their way. And, we want our kids to process this when they’re young.
Most of us have met people in their 20’s or 30’s who still don’t understand that the world doesn’t always go their way. They aren't pleasant people. We want our kids to grow up to be people who others want to be around. We also want our kids to grow up to be content. You can't be content if you expect that everything in the world to go your way for you to be happy.
So we want our kids to learn to handle small disappointments when they’re young. Some children can learn this without having tantrums, but most children can't.
So what can we, as parents, do when we have one of these very common children that is struggling to learn to process small disappointments?
Acknowledge feelings with empathy
First, when we deliver the news that will likely upset our child, begin by acknowledging his feelings. “Oh, honey, I know you really wanted that cookie, and it’s really frustrating you can’t have it.” This may prevent some of the tantrums.
Neutralize arguing
And, if our child continues to beg, use our one-liner to neutralize the arguing, “I love you too much to argue about this.” Nothing good will come of us continuing to explain or debate. In fact, there's significant research that shows that using more words with children when they're upset only makes things worse and can damage the relationship. So, use the one-liner, don't say anything else, and continue doing what you were doing, so as to ignore the arguing.
Once a tantrum starts...
If the child starts to have a tantrum, you have some options. Some of will work better for some kids and others for others:
1) You can continue to ignore the tantrum like you were ignoring the arguing.
2) Or, you can tell them in a kind, patient voice, “Okay, honey. You go ahead and have a nice little tantrum. When you’re done, come get a big hug and join us to play.” This sends a few messages. It lets them know you’re not bothered by the tantrum. This tells them it’s okay to have strong emotions. It also tells them you’re not going to give in. Additionally, it reminds them that there’s something nice waiting for them when they are ready to be done. If they're not getting attention during the tantrum, but they will get lots of positive attention when they're done, it's in their best interest to cut it short.
3) Or, this last option sometimes works with an older kid if they're not too upset to hear you. Consider saying, “I know you're feeling upset, and it's okay if you want to yell and cry, but please go do it up in your room so the rest of us can enjoy our dinner. Please come back down as soon as you’re done. We love having you with us.”
Remember, there's nothing wrong with strong emotions. We should avoid telling our kids things like, "Don't cry about this," or "There's nothing to be upset about." The feelings are all okay. We want to help our kids learn to manage their emotions in ways that are healthy for them and pleasant for others to be around.*
Also, remember that tantrums do not mean you are doing anything wrong as a parent. I think one of the reasons it's so hard for parents to handle their child having a tantrum is they think it means something is wrong, either with their child or with their parenting. For the most part, tantrums are a healthy way of young children learning how to cope with small disappointments.
*The strategies I mentioned above will help most kids, but some children will need extra help in recognizing and managing their emotions. For kids like these, schedule some private coaching with me or find a child psychologist to help you and your child learn these strategies.