Now that you’re starting to have the empathetic statement you memorized on the tip or your tongue, I’m sure setting limits and delivering consequences is getting easier overall.
I wanted to give you a couple more tips that have helped countless parents, including myself.
Delay the Consequence
The first tip is to remember it’s okay to delay the consequence. Some of us have learned that studies show that we need to give a consequence immediately for it to be effective. Fortunately for us, these studies were done with dogs and rats. Even on a rough day, our kids are smarter than dogs and rats.
When we’re too frustrated to think straight or when our kids have done something that just baffles us too much to know how to handle it, we can say something like, “I’m going to have to do something about this, but not right now. Later.” or “No problem. I love you too much to fight about this. I’ll take care of this later.”
This can also be useful when issuing a consequence at that moment might escalate the situation more than what is best for the child or yourself. If you’re in public and your child makes a really bad choice, it may be best to quietly say, “Ohhhh, honey. I’m going to have to do something about this when we get home.”
Energy Drain
There are also going to be times when a logical consequence doesn’t come to mind. The Energy Drain is a wonderful generic logical consequence that you can use when nothing else seems to fit the situation. The premise of the Energy Drain is that the child is required to replace energy that was drained from the adult by their misbehavior.
Around here there are occassionally the weekend mornings when the kids have been whining and complaining since they got up. If this happens, it's a good time to lock in the empathy with your empathetic statement, and explain that it’s drained your energy. “This is so sad. When you whine and complain so much, it drains the energy right out of me." Then ask, "How do you plan on putting the energy back?”
If the kids say, “I don’t know,” offer some suggestions. “Some kids decide to do some of their mom’s chores. How would that work? Some kids decide to hire and pay for a babysitter so their parents can go out and relax. How would that work?”
My kids have never chosen the latter; they always think of a few chores, and I'd bet yours will, too. If your kids complete the chores, thank them and don’t lecture. If they refuse or forget, resist reminding and issue a consequence. “Oh, this is really sad. I love taking you all to the pool, and I was looking forward to going this afternoon, but I just don’t have the energy.”
I hope you find these two additional tips helpful with your kids.
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