Our kids will have problems. It’s an inevitable part of life. And, although it’s not easy to watch our kids go through problems, it’s actually such a blessing. If our kids can work through their problems now, when they are little and their problems are often little, as well, they’ll be developing skills and confidence that will help them all their lives.
So, how do we help them learn to solve their problems?
Most importantly, unless we’re sure the problem is too big for our kids to handle, we don’t solve the problems for them. If we solve our kids problems for them, we inadvertently send our kids the message that we don‘t think they can handle the problem. Of course we’d only be doing it because we love them and want to help them, but solving our kids problems isn’t helping them. It will lead to our kids becoming insecure, because they‘ll start to believe that they can’t solve their problems. And, they’ll also become resentful of us for denying them their independence.
Instead of solving kids problems for them, we can...
Listen
Much of the time, kids (and adults!!) aren’t actually looking for a solution. They just want to vent. This is an area where I was (okay, sometimes am) struggling myself. My daughter would tell me about something that happened that day and I would immediately jump into the Love and Logic method of guiding kids to solve their problems.
Then I read Untangled by Lisa Damour (which I highly recommend for any parent of an adolescent) and I realized she was often just venting. I wanted to help, but the best way for me to help her at these times is to just listen and empathy.
Offer Empathy
Along with the listening, let your child know you understand why this is bothering him. You can offer a comments like, “Oh, honey!” or “That sounds frustrating!” You can ask, “How did that make you feel?” And you can offer a big hug!
Guide
If it’s clear your child wants more help solving a problem and isn’t just venting, after offering your empathy, you can guide him to come up with a solution by asking, “What do you think you’re going to do about it?”
If your child says, “I don’t know.”
Ask, “Do you want to hear what some kids* have tried?”
If your child says he does, offer a few ideas of ways to go about handling it, “Well, some kids might...” and ask, “How would that work for you?”
The “How would that work for you?” question is important, because it gets your kid thinking about the result of the decision he makes about what to do.
After you offer two or three decent ideas, tell your child something like, “Well, honey, I know you’ll figure this out. Let me know what happens. I love you so much.”
Then allow your child to attempt to solve the problem on his own. If he does well, he'll develop true self-esteem from knowing he can handle things. If he experiences a failure, he'll learn that his poor decisions have consequences and he'll learn to make better decisions next time.
*Why “some kids”?
This phrase sounds weird to everyone when they first hear it. Over the years, dozens of parents and teachers have wanted to know why they should say “some kids.”
Think of it this way, let’s say you give your child an idea by saying, “You could...” and offer an idea that your kids tries and it works great. Who gets the credit? You. You don’t need the credit; your child needs to build up his self-esteem.
On the other hand, if you say, “You could...” and offer an idea that backfires. Who gets the blame? You. You don’t want to be blamed. You want your child to learn from the choice she makes.
When you say, “Some kids...” you’re not suggesting your child do something, you’re just sharing information. Although it seems like it’s just semantics, using this expression allows your child to take the credit of a good decision and build self-esteem or have the learning experience that comes from making a decision that didn't have the desired result.
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